We all know someone who is going through a tough time. Perhaps they lost their job. Their house foreclosed. Their home flooded. They lost their pet. They were injured or became terminally ill. Or perhaps they lost a family member or friend. It is our human nature to want to offer comfort to people who are grieving, but when is the right time to reach out to them and let them know you are thinking of them?
The answer, of course, is “it depends.” It depends on your relationship, the cause of their grief, and perhaps even their sense of humor. But knowing a little about the grieving process may help you decide when the time is right.
In 1969, Elizabeth Kübler introduced a model of the grieving process that applies to almost every situation when someone is going through a rough time. It is called the DABDA model and includes five stages:
Denial: The first reaction when you hear bad news. “No, that can’t be right.” “This can’t be happening.” “I don’t believe it.”
Bargaining: When the anger starts to subside, it is interspersed with bargaining. “If only I had done something differently." “I promise I’ll never do that again if only this changes.” “I’ll devote the rest of my life to this cause so it never happens again.”
Depression: Sometimes the lengthiest and most difficult emotional stage is when you realize that no amount of bargaining will change the outcome. “What’s the use of trying?” “It won’t make any difference.” “I might as well just give up.”
Acceptance: When you can finally agree to live with the loss or change or whatever else happened, you start the acceptance process. “Everything is going to be okay.” “It’s alright, I can live with this.” “I guess I might as well go out with my friends again.”
No one goes through the five stages of grief in the same sequence or in the same amount of time. Psychiatrists just know that we all go through the five stages of grief in one form or another – regardless of the severity of the loss or tragedy. Grieving is simply a natural and healthy part of life itself.
So, when do you send the Gift of LAFFter to someone in the various stages of grieving? Again, it depends, but here are some guidelines:
- First, you have to be very sensitive to the severity of the loss or tragedy and where the person is in the grieving process. Obviously, immediately after the loss of a loved one is not an appropriate time as the recipient will likely still be dealing with their denial and anger.
- What often happens after a tragedy is that the person is surrounded by friends and family who provide them with support and comfort. However, one or maybe two months afterwards, when everyone has returned home to go on with their busy lives, the person is left alone and is probably in some degree of depression or acceptance. This can be a good time to send the Gift of LAFFter.
- Make sure you tell them you chose the gift because of what it meant to you. Personalize the message that you send with it to say, “I’m sending you this gift because I understand what you’re going through, because I went through something similar and I want you to know that you will soon be able to LAFF again It took me some time to realize that it’s okay to LAFF. You are still going to have good and bad days – and flips and flops -- but give yourself permission to LAFF.”
Karen Guest
